Chapter eight: I love you

Trigger warnings for those who need them

Substance abuse and incel behaviour, forced kiss

I put my foot on the barre and hold it there. Bowing deeply, flattening myself looking for the burn that tells me that I’m getting more limber.
More capable.
Around me, the other dancers are twirling and twisting.
Tashi is jumping around with his gardening can.
Tonya is fighting an imaginary enemy with a wooden stick.
The only sound, the scuffle of feet up and down the stage without music to drown them out.
Until.
“Valentine, Tashi, Donna is here to rehearse your scenes together.” Harald calls through the mirrored box.
I look up and find an attractive red-headed lady, dressed in a plain green dress following Harald into the cube.
Her eyes slip and slide past the mirrors as she enters.
The opera and ballet departments are separate entities usually. It’s only the odd plays that brings them together occasional.
I know she’s worked here longer than me and yet in my two years of being here I’ve only seen her a handful of times.
All I really know about her are the rumours.
That she has the voice on an angel, that she’s Barnaby’s favourite. It’s even rumoured she lives inside the theater although I think that might be a bit much.
She’ll be performing the primary role of Mariella; the princes I’m supposed to enchant and kidnap in this play.
Tashi almost drops his prop in his hurry to stride on over and introduce himself.
I ease out of my stretch since I don’t want to pull a muscle and leisurely approach the group.
Harald flips through the script in his hands. “We’ll start from the snake introducing himself and go until the start of the false confession.” He gently takes Donna’s hand as he walks to the corner of the box. “You stand here.”
“Of course.” The woman nods meekly.
Harald turns to us again. “Donna’s gonna be frozen until the snake comes to pull her into the tableau. Tashi, you’re gonna wrap around her legs like this.” He carefully kneels down, then wraps his arms around Donna’s legs and squeezes his body against her wantonly “Keep note of the hands, one on the upper leg, one on the lower. You know you want her, but you also know the snake’s proposal is wrong and it’s tearing you up inside.” He gestures him to come close. “Show me.”
Tashi replicates the movement “Like this?”
“Donna, I think he could push into you more, what do you think?”
“Agreed.” Donna smiles, looking down at Tashi. “Just act like I’m one of the fellow dancers. I’ll let you know if it’s too much.”
“Oh, all right.”
“Yes, that’s much better.” Harald beams, he starts clapping the rhythm of the tune “Now Valentine, walk up to him and put your hand on his shoulder, keep the jumps in mind, yes very good. Pull him back gently, Tashi you don’t wanna let go. Grabby hands. Just brush past her legs. Yes, very good.” His claps speed up. Then suddenly he stops “Now you accept in silence. Good and then comes the rattle. Valentine you do tap, tap, tap, op your way to Donna and the moment you grab her hand she’ll start moving with you, drag her to the middle of the stage and focus on your own steps. This isn’t Donna’s first time playing the character, she knows what to do.”
All right. I lift my feet nice and high on my way to the princes, minding my footwork and grab her wrist.
It’s cold and stiff but then the moment I wrap my fingers around her and give the slightest tug it’s like she instantly melts and her entire body just gives. If Harald hadn’t told me to mind my own steps I’d worry she’s going to fall over as she stumbles and slides behind me. And yet despite her seemingly dis-coordinated movement I feel no resistance from her, no struggle.
Then she opens her mouth.
Pleading and crying as she questions me, this place, the situation. “Help me, please help me!” She cries, tearing at my heart with the desperation of a lost child.
I let go of her hand as we arrive on spot and pirouette around her, my arms flinging and stringing magic around her, constricting her, capturing her. And as I tug on the invisible strands ensnaring her she jerks in my direction, pleading for release until her words no longer sound like words but rather formless pleas of misery.
And then silence.
Harald claps the final note. Then tells us, “Valentine your mind was elsewhere but I understand since it’s the first take. Donna, I’m going to nitpick because I know you can take it. I want less mindless drone and more disoriented child in you traversal to point, can you do that?”
Are you kidding? She was perfect!? I open my mouth to defend her but Donna responds before I can say anything.
“Hmmm, you mean like this?” She leaves her hand suspended in the air and slips and steps with the grace of a newborn deer, eyes flitting around her, fear stricken on her face.
“Less slipping.”
She adjusts.
“Better. I want the two of you to do this part together again, then we’ll do the full scene from introduction onward.”
Donna nods and turns away from me.
“Donna?” I ask.
She looks back “Yes?”
“I just wanted you to know that you’re very good at making me feel bad for Mariella.”
She tilts her head for a moment, then a wide grin appears on her face. “Thank you.”
She heads back to her spot.
I walk back to Tashi.
Harald starts to clap.
And we repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.

My blankets feel heavy on my body.
It’s interfering with my stretches-
I kick at them.
Wait-
Why are there blankets on the stage?
I open my eyes, straining against the dark as reality seeps in again.
I’m not a dancer.
Not anymore.
My stomach aches.
I reach for my cigs-
Then stop, hand frozen in mid-air.
I’m in love with Donna.
I even dream about her now.
I need to tell her.
Today.
Right now!
Before I lose my nerve.

I’m on my way to the theater.
It’s daytime. The streets are teeming with people who have better things to do than notice some scrawny nobody loitering around.
I washed myself for the occasion.
I combed my hair as well and, with all the cursing that accompanied it, I think that counts for a great victory.
The stairs leading up the theater feel too tall.
I never had difficulty climbing them before.
I’m getting out of shape, I chastise myself.
And I should have eaten breakfast.

The theater that used to feel like home now looms over me threateningly.
But it’s not the main entrance I need anyway.
I leave the square for what it and go around the high-end boutiques to find the door leading to the old workshop.
With Barnaby taking my key I can’t exactly enter the theater that way.
And there’s no need to.
Donna lives in the theater.
I never asked her why or how she managed to convince Barnaby, but the rumours I didn’t believe at first, turned out to be true.
She and her brother have taken over what used to be the prop department and as such, it has its own door, used for deliveries back in the day.
Barnaby is a fool thinking he could keep me out by taking my key.
I knock on the door.
“Who is it?” The sound of her voice makes my heart jump.
“It’s me Donna, please open up I need to talk to you.”
“Valentine?”
“The one and only.”
“Hold up.” There’s the sound of shuffling. Then a lock being undone. “It’s so early what are you doing here?” Donna asks, still wearing her morning wrapper.
“I need to talk to you- where’s George?” I ask looking around for the blind pianist. I notice the script laying on the vanity, a cup of tea by her side.
Was she reading lines before I came in here?
“He’s rehearsing with Melanie. It’s her first time playing the queen and she’s very nervous about it.”
“Your brother is a kind man.” And I’m glad I didn’t have to ask him to leave.
“He really is.” She smiles a lovely smile and pulls a chair off the wall for me. Setting it down across the one at the vanity. “Now, you wanted to talk?” she asks.
I don’t sit down, instead stepping towards her and telling her straight-up. “I love you Donna.”
Hey eyes grow wide. “What?” She asks, confusion stark as her beautiful eyes gazing straight into mine.
“I love you and I need to be around you.” I tell her with conviction.
She averts her eyes as she speaks “Valentine, I had no idea you felt that way-“
“Do you love me back?” I insist.
She takes a step back “I’m sorry, I think of you as a friend, but-“ She bites her lip.
“It’s the drugs isn’t it?”
“Maybe in part?” She admits “But-“
“Donna, I can kick the drugs if I have you beside me. I know I can.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t believe you. If the Bad one gave you that addiction then-“
“I gave myself this addiction and I can fix it again with your help. Please Donna, you have to give me a chance.”
“It doesn’t work like that Valentine.” Her voice sounds colder now.
“Have you tried it?” I challenge her.
“Valentine-“ She starts but I’m sick of hearing excuses.
I grab her wrist “Please, Donna, you have to let me try. I’m a bad person without you.”
“A bad person?” She scoffs “Valentine, your decisions are your own. I’m not here to play your conscience.” Her eyes are sharp, they’re stabbing me accusingly.
“I’m not asking you to. Just admit you love me.”
“But I don’t. Not in the way you want me to.” She pulls her arm away suddenly. “I value your company as a friend, but if you want to be my friend you have to act like one.”
To hell with being friends!
I kiss her.
Pressing my lips on her and driving my tongue into her mouth before she can think to fight me back.
Her mouth tastes like sweet, black tea and Donna.
I love it.
I-
I pull back, tears springing into my eyes as pain spreads through my mouth.
She bit me!
How dare she!?
“Please leave, Valentine.” Her voice is ice. Her eyes are ice.
“Harpy!” I cry “If you don’t love me then why did you make me feel this way!? Why did you come to my house!? Why did you build up my hopes like that!?”
She walks to the door, her voice calm and collected on the surface but something tells me if I push her now she’s gonna do more than bite me. “I came by because I was worried about you. But maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t have bothered.” She holds open the door for me.
I ball my trembling fingers into fists. “I knew you’d reject me. But you didn’t have to be mean about it.”
I can feel my heart tear in two as I storm back out into the streets.
The stupid sun is too bright.
They make my eyes tear up.

The next day I’m messed up.
I just stay in bed all day as the scenes of my life shattering into pieces repeats over and over behind my eyes.
I smoke and I sleep.
Then repeat after that.
Occasionally I remember to eat.
Occasionally I need to take a piss.
Then go back to bed.
And light another one.
This continues for some time.

A knock on the door pulls me from my haze of smoke and self pity.
“Donna?” I ask the door.
“Nope, just the landlord.” It replies.
“What do you want Benji? There’s no way I owe you rent already.” I grunt.
“Just wanted to check you’re alive I guess. Usually you go out on Friday evening so I figured you might have keeled over. But you’re obviously still alive.” His footsteps fade away.
Sorry to disappoint I guess…
Then the words come trickling in.
I push myself up from the bed.
It’s Friday?
Seriously?
I stumble from the bed and rummage through my pile of laundry to find anything that doesn’t smell bad.
I-uh.
I guess I’m going to my job high.
Then I shake the concern away.
It wouldn’t be the first time.
Whatever.

The wiry man doesn’t comment on my state as he gives me my box for the day.
But I know, he knows.
“Good luck.” He tells me in a tone that’s far too cheerful for his tough-guy-voice.
Prick.

I ring the silver bell.
The door opens instantly “Hello Valentine, you-“ Adrian pauses.
He inspects me with eyes that I’m sure could burn a hole in me before asking; “What did you use?”
I feign ignorance “What do you mean?”
He points at my face “Your pupils are dilated, your breath is surface level and your pallor is bleaker than usual.”
Fuck.
“Nothing important.” I try to shrug it off “Here’s your package.” If he wants me to come in he can say so, if he wants me to go that’s fine by me.
I’m just a courier after all.
He accepts the box, puts it on the table but he doesn’t step aside for me. Blocking the door as he repeats himself, slowly this time “What. Did. You. Use?”
This is annoying.
Who the hell does he think he is? I’m not his dog. “I can go if you like.” I step back but his hand dives for my wrist pulling it into an iron grip. I try to pull away but he’s surprisingly strong.
Or maybe I’m weak…
When did I eat last again?
His eyes stab at me with a strict expression “Tell me.”
“Let go of me.” I hiss at him, trying my best not to shout in the middle of the night.
“Not until you tell me.”
“Just cigs. What do you care?” I bite.
“Just cigs?”
“Yes.”
He sighs and mumbles something incoherent in a language I don’t know but his tone is recognizably condescending.
Prick.
He lets go of my arm and I have to stuff my fists into my coat pockets to keep myself from trying to punch him in the face.
“Fine, you can come in.” He tells me while rubbing the bridge of his nose. He steps aside, gestures me to come in.
I scoff “No.”
“No?”
“Fuck you. I don’t need you looking down of me like that.”
“Fine! Leave then.” He retorts harshly.
“Gladly!” I turn, walk away.
And that’s it.
I wouldn’t call the guy a friend or even an acquaintance but…I guess he’s not asking me back any time soon.
I wonder if Theresa will assign me someone else then?
Or did I just ruin my life?
Again…
I push my hands in my pockets.
Whatever.
I’m going to bed.