Chapter 41: Do over

I’m sitting on the couch, Neon is leaning against me.
He’s light, I barely register him.
It scares me.
“Neon.”
“Hm?” He looks up from his notes
“You should eat something.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I know you’re not, but you need to eat anyway.”
He huffs noncommittally in response.
Then the kid walks up to me.
“Hey Tungsten, Tiborah and I are going to Bar-B for a bit, can I borrow your key?” Inquiry asks and I wonder since when he’s one to go out.
On the other hand, it’s not like I’ve known him for all that long and most of the time we spent together was during panic mode, so fair enough.
“Yeah sure, one sec.” I gingerly push Neon off me and get to fetch the key from the drawer by the door. “Just be sure to put it back here when you’re done with it.”
“Will do.”
The doll and the boy walk out together and just like that the whole place feels empty again.
Tin left hours ago.
Steel didn’t even show up today something with that grand university plan has him running off all the time.
Asshole.
Even if he wants to pass all the work off to the others, he could at least be here for Neon.
I take a breath and try to push him from my mind.
Focus on Neon, he’s the important one. “You want soup or stew?”
“Do I have to?” His glasses cover up half his face but I just know he’s pulling puppy eyes under there.
But I gotta be strict.
“Yes.”
He sighs “Then soup”
“I’ll start chopping the vegetables,” I tell him making my way over to the cupboard and stealing the parsnip and leek that Tin left there for his lunch.
The voice coming from the couch has a hint of mocking to it “Since when do you know how to cook?”
I shrug “Since my parents taught me how. But just cause I can doesn’t mean I enjoy it, or that I don’t avoid it whenever I can.”
“You could get takeout,” he suggests.
“I’m not leaving you here on your own, besides, the kid got the key.” I wonder how I’ll manage with not a single clean kitchen knife in sight…maybe I can use a scalpel?
That’s gonna take forever.
Oh, kitchen shears! Perfect. I wipe a towel past the blade just in case and start cutting up the vegetables.
After a good five minutes, I notice there’s silence from the couch.
I don’t like it.
“Neon?” I ask gingerly.
“Still here.”
“Okay good.” I keep cutting, dumping the oddly shaped chunks into a pot “You know you can stay the night if you want right?”
“Yes, you offered four times already.”
“Okay, and like I don’t expect anything from you. Like I’m not offering so I can get into your pants. It’s just so you don’t have to go all the way back to the docks.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Okay, good.” then why the hell do you insist on going back, you idiot? Do you want to die in your den on your own?
I don’t understand it.
I pour water over the vegetables, then remember I forgot to clean them and rub the vegetables clean with my hands before dumping the water out again.
I fill the pot with more water.
Then light the stove and leave the pot there with the lid on.
“That should be good in roughly half an hour.”
“I’ll fetch bowls.”
“You don’t need to get up.”
“I want to get u-”
There’s a thud behind me.
I look back, heart dropping, a spike of adrenaline pushed straight into my skull.
Neon’s on the floor.
Quivering and shaking.
My heart is pounding in my throat.
I rush towards him and kneel down next to him, his arms slapping me a couple of times.
It used to just be shaking arms until now!
What am I supposed to do with this!?
I look at his face but his expression is odd, I can’t place it.
I grab his arms, for his sake rather than mine, then press my lower arms onto his shoulders to pin him in place. I can feel the jerking motions pass through me.
It feels violent.
I’m surprised at how much force there’s still left in those emaciated limbs of him.
Then I feel something pop.
And with a sickening feeling, I realise I remember that sensation from back in my fighting days.
And I just dislocated his shoulder.
I let go quickly “I’m sorry.” I tell him but there’s no response as he just flails at me.
I step back. Unsure what to do now.
I can’t try and pop the arm back in now, at this point I can see myself breaking it off completely.
How long is it supposed to take?
Is he dying now?
He can’t die like this.
That’s not how dying works right?
And then to my relief the shocks become tremors and the tremors become tremblings and his expression unfreezes.
And then he starts to scream.
“Ah! my arm! my arm! What did you do!?”
“I know, I’m sorry that’s my fault but I can put it back.”
“Don’t touch me!” his eyes are fierce, tears leaking down his cheeks as he holds his arm protectively.
“Look I’m sorry, I messed up but it’s going to keep hurting if you leave it like this. Just let me help. Please. I promise it’ll hurt less.”
I scared him.
Of course, I scared him.
What was I even thinking trying to push him down?
What would that even accomplish?
I’m an idiot.
“Your arm is dislocated but I know how to put it back if you let me. If you leave it like this it won’t get better.”
“Are you lying?”
“No, no I’m not. Look you can tell me what to do after I fix it, If you want me to leave I’ll leave. You want me to stay I’ll stay, If you want to slap me be my guest but I’m not leaving you like this.
Neon’s shoulders are trembling. “Get me my bag first.”
“Your bag?”
“Yes, now, please, I have painkillers in there.”
“Oh! Okay, where did you leave it?”
“By the door.”
I zip over to it and set it down in front of him “What do you need?”
“Ysaprophynol”
“Huh?”
“Blue bottle with a green cap.”
“This one?” I hold up a small bottle.
“Yes.” He snatches it from me with his good arm, then looks at it for a second “Pull off the cap.” He holds it out to me.
That really shouldn’t sound that adorable but it does.
I pull the cap off, he takes a swig. Then grunts at the bottle.
“Can I?” I ask carefully.
“Not yet.”
“All right.”
I notice his breathing slowing, expression relaxing, slowly but steadily. “All right, do it.” He tells me.
“So are you entirely numb?”
“I wish, just hurry before I change my mind.”
I approach gingerly, knowing full well how much a dislocated arm hurts. I’ve had my fair share of injuries back in the ring.
And popping the arm back in is going to suck for the both of us.
But I know it’ll be better after.
I place my hands lightly against the oddly shaped shoulder and feel carefully.
The joint slipped out backwards, which is new to me but I guess it makes sense considering I was pushing down on him.
“I want you to count to three for me, can you do that?”
Neon rolls his eyes but starts counting dutifully “One, two, AH!” he screams as I lift the arm to meet the socket carefully but with force. It pops into place. I feel around the site to check if there’s no damage, no weirdly sticking out muscles or caught nerves. It seems to be all right “How are you feeling?”
“You pushed it in on two you bastard.”
“That’s how the manager used to do it.”
“It really hurt.”
“I know. But how does it feel now?”
“I’ve had worse.” he wipes away his tears with his hand
“Good. So what do you want me to do now?” I ask.
He shrugs “Hold me gently and tell me I’ll be okay?”
My heart flutters “Of course.” I wrap my arms around him “Like this?”
“Yes, now tell me I’ll be okay.”
“You’ll be okay.”
“Thank you.” He pushes his face into my arm “I know it’s bullshit but it still feels nice to hear.”
“Neon?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want to be persistent, but do you truly think it’s a good idea to go back to your den after this?”
There’s silence.
“Or maybe I can come to your den, just to make sure you’re okay?” I try.
Maybe he’d feel more comfortable on home turf?
“I can stay.” His voice is soft.
“Here?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad.”

“Are you comfortable now?” I ask him as I push the pillow a bit deeper into his neck.
“Yes, thank you.”
“Good.”
I should get a guest bedroom. Even now the kid got his own bed there’s still a shortage.
I’ll sleep on the pile for now.
A low rumbling emanates from the bed.
“Soup! I forgot about the soup, I’ll be right back.
I exit the room and rush to the parlour where the soup is less of a soup and more of a mush by now.
At least it didn’t burn.
I ladle the goop into two bowls that I borrowed off Daisies’.
I’m rubbish at this.
I haven’t been alone with him for longer than two hours and I already dislocated his arm and messed up his dinner.
Way to go Tungsten.
His anger was frightening but his fear cut much deeper.
I don’t want him to be scared of me.
I don’t want him to be in pain.
I want him to be at peace, or at least comfortable.
Maybe he truly was better off without me around to mess things up.
But I don’t want him to die alone.
The idea that he’d be in pain, in agony, going into that final beyond and there was no one there to hold his hand. To tell him he’ll be okay.
Who’d even find him in his den?
Steel?
Steel doesn’t wouldn’t care.
His pirate buddies?
Maybe…but who knows when they’ll be around next?
He could be a skeleton by then.
I pull two spoons from the cutlery jar and pop them into the bowls.
I have to be there, no matter what.

“This is… interesting.” Neon muses.
“You can admit you hate it,” I assure him before eating a bite of goop. I should have added salt.
I really should have added salt.
“I don’t hate it. It’s not very good but I appreciate you made it for me.” Neon says before taking another bite.
“Can I kiss your forehead? That was really sweet of you to say.”
A small smile wraps around his lips “Sure.”
I put my bowl aside and lean towards him, pressing my lips gently against his forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” he smiles, then his eyes turn back to his food “Tungsten?”
“Yes?”
“I want to talk to you, about what I want to happen when I’m dead-”
“Let’s not talk about that right now, shall we? You’re gonna be okay remember?”
“Well, I’m not really gonna be okay.”
“But, you like it when I say it right?”
His eyes stay glued to the bowl “Sure…Thank you Tungsten.”
“You’re welcome. Now is there anything else I can do for you? You want something to drink?”
“I’m fine. I think I just want to sleep for a bit. Thank you for the food.”
“I’ll send the kid out for Daisies’ tomorrow.” I pick up his bowl and get up from his bedside. “Good night Neon.”
“Good night.”